Confession to a Lamppost
by ShunKickShunKers
Summary: oneshot. A drunk consultant, a lamppost and an unfortunate, unwilling peeping-tom. enough said . big hints of Jisbon xD


**Another weird idea that popped out of my head out of no-where. Wasn't sure to post it to begin with, but here it is anyway. **

**Thank you again, oh dear half beta!**

**Any warning? yes, drunk Jane.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mentalist, I do not earn money on those fics, but I do own my cazy mind and the weird ideas coming from it xD Hope you will enjoy this (won't blame you if you don't :3)**

**Confession to a lamppost**

It was dark outside and quite chilly, but the situation I was in made me sweat with anxiety. While waiting for my heartbeat to decrease, I, Grace Van Pelt, wondered once again how I managed to find myself in this position.

The evening had started so nicely. A few childhood friends were in Sacramento for the night, and we had a drink at the bar –lots of alcohol for them and just a few glasses for me; since I had to go to work the next day. I declined Nathan's offer to drop me off on the way and decided to walk back home. This is so embarrassing to admit, but mid-way to my apartment, the urge to relieve myself had been overwhelming and after checking my surroundings, I had to hide behind a well-stuffed bush. I'll blame the alcohol later, but at the moment it seemed like a good idea. I was in the park, alone, and who had never peed outside anyway? This was my mistake.

Once I was done and before stepping out, I checked my surroundings to make sure no-one would see me creeping out of a bush and wonder what I had been doing there. Unfortunately, I caught glimpse of a couple walking awkwardly in my direction. Taking a closer look, I realized the duo was in fact a man supporting another one's weight. At first, I didn't care who they were; just wanted them gone to eventually get out of here and hurry up to get home. But when I recognized a too familiar voice…

"No trick… just memmmry…"

"Yeah man, right."

"I sweaaaaar Mick!"

Patrick Jane, our infamous consultant. The slight ups and down of his voice almost made me smile.

Apparently, I was not the only one who decided to have fun tonight; although I am not exactly certain what definition of 'fun' he had himself. No-one has the same view on the matter after all. _I_ would simply describe it by spending time with friends but my father would say 'fighting a stronger team', my mom 'playing on the beach' and my brothers 'booze and videogames'…

They came closer and despite being hidden, I had a good view of the stage. Jane was toddling like a baby, an arm thrown over the shoulder of the other man who was struggling to keep him straight on his feet. They were almost in front of me when I heard the unknown one utter tiredly:

"Listen man, I'll leave you here and call you a cab. You're getting heavy…"

To that, the blond grumbled something –approval or disapproval I couldn't tell- and was left with no regret on the closest bench -still in my sight. A few minutes ticked during which I was tempted to sneak out and walk away. It was starting to be late and we had work tomorrow, but my conscience wouldn't let me; as much as the thought was tempting, I wasn't about to abandon Jane here. 'Mick' had most likely deserted without second thought –and knowing Jane, or guessing how he acts when drunk, I could not blame him. Jane was now lying on his back, arms crossed under his head, facing the cloudy sky. I was wondering what I should do when…

"Heeeey" he suddenly said, rolling on his stomach and staring somewhere in front of him. "I didn' seee you!"

My breath got caught in my throat. No way. He couldn't have spotted me, could he? I was well-hidden, out of his sight and he could still notice me?

"My, my" he went on, head nodding from right to left "lightening the streets might be such a loooooooooonely job. Don't you ever get _sick_ of standing here? Alone like an idiot? When nooo-one notic'you and tak'you for granted? An' when you don… don't work they're not hap… happy either. Nope, never happy."

When he sighed tiredly I blinked in astonishment. No, he was not doing what I thought he was, wasn't he? He was not making conversation to a…

"At least you understand wha' loneliness means" he whined; and after a few moments of silence, added with a hint of sympathy: "I don' envy you. Or maybe I do. At least you don' _feel_. Or do you?" he added in wonder, and I could almost _see_ the question in his eyes. "Too bad you can't talk back, I'm sure it wou'd be fuuun to make conversation with y'u."

… lamppost.

I was not dreaming. The mighty Patrick Jane was addressing to a lamppost! He really must have gotten out-of-his-mind drunk. For a moment, I wondered if I should call Lisbon… and couldn't help but smile at the thought. Each time Jane was in unexpected situation, we all thought she should be the first one warned.

"See bud" he went on, and I could do nothing else but overhear: "I don' normally drink. Nope, don't drink. Butta needed to be hammered tonight. Just felt like it. Tell you what, I neeever did this before." There was a quick silence before he went on: "Since yo're there y'need t'know somethin'."

I felt my conscience scolding me for listening to him. He was apparently going to spill his guts to the inanimate object and I was going to listen to it all. Normally I would have escaped discreetly to leave him some privacy, but I didn't have much of a choice at the moment.

"There's that woman; a very lov'ly and… lovable lady I kinda have a crush on." A love interest? I swear if he is not talking about Lisbon, I will be very disappointed. "But don't tell uh? Y'see shee… she's vailable right now. Wait; a-vailable. But I'm a cowwd; can't tell her whadda feel. It's just that… I don'think she trusts me. And she's right, I got issues. Baaad issues with a baaad man. Killed my family and mocks me and stuff. And she thinks I'm straight on killing 'im back. 'nd I swear I will. Not only for my fam'ly bud, but –don't tell that uh?- I promise to a dying guy I'd kill 'im too."

My eyes opened wide. Was he referring to Bosco?

"'e was Tereeesa's mentor. Yeaaaah, Teresa. Cute name uh?" I couldn't hide the smile on my face. I knew it! "Cute as a button, spitfire an' domnating an' so hoooot." I could hear the grin when he split his last comment, making me blush like a schoolgirl. "Y'know how much I fantasy 'bout her at work? 'm always on that couch in her office an' lookin' at her an' dreamin' of her in that lacy green nightdress I saw in her closet once… y'know, I went to her place t'save her from a clever psychiatrissss and sniffed 'rond. An' she got the cuuutest ling'rie in her closet. But don't y'tell, uh bud?"

Oh my, this was getting too personal. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel excited to hear the following.

"An' she's the smarest, cuuuest, mos' wonder'ul wom'n. See bud, if I had the guts I'd go to her place 'n' tell her, I'd go righ'away. But I dunno if she loves me. See, can't handle it if she slaps me 'cause I tell you bud, she's the kinda gal to shoot when she's not pleased. But that's the thin' with her. I lov' her for this bud. It's just killin'me not to know if she does."

"Oh don't worry about that, she loves you too" I couldn't help but mutter, thinking of the two bantering in the office earlier that day. Jane drove her crazy, and I recognized the sparkle in her eyes; the one saying she was torn between slapping him or kissing him senseless. Despite what people might think, I can still notice when someone is attracted to the other. But most important now, this piece of information made me realize something I never thought possible. I startled Jane. No kidding. I really startled him. I knew I did when I half-heard half-saw him straighten on the bench and eye the lamppost incredulously.

"You c'n talk?"

I was torn between biting back a laugh and being overtaken by worry. Was Jane so dense right now he could believe the street light could actually _speak_?

"I didn't dream, you said something. Was it 'bout Teresa an' me? C'mon bud, you can't leav' me there…"

He looked so stunned I had a hard time keeping myself from replying, despite the urging temptation. What if I was too obvious and he spotted me? Many unwanted questions would be asked and I knew I would never live it down if he ever discovered why I was standing in between two bushes.

"Now I'm hearin' voices" he whispered, looking around before lying back.

Jane sounded so perplexed I decided to take pity on him –and have a little bit of fun- and grumbled in a way my older brother would be proud:

"Oh just be a man and kiss her. Who knows, maybe she'll like it."

Jane was on his feet in seconds and came closer to the lamppost. His next action surprised the heck of me; he leant against the post and _hugged_ it. Patrick Jane _hugged_ a lamppost after having a drunken conversation with it! Oh my, the end of the world was not so far…

"Thanks for listening buddy" he said _affectionately_, one hand _caressing_ the trunk. Oh my, could this go even weirder? "I really appreciate it. Say, before I go, do you have a name?"

I didn't answer right away, knowing he was too close for me to talk. Once he was far enough, I blurted the first thing that went through my head:

"Pickyhead"

As I half expected, the man turned on his heels and glanced at the lamppost weirdly before grinning.

"Thanks Pickyhead. You're a good friend."

Next, he took out his cell phone and dialed a number. He was walking away, but I could still hear his voice;

"Lisbon? Yes it's me… Listen… need a favor. Could you… yes, yes I know it's one a.m. but I real'y… pick me up please? No my… my car is… what d'you mean by 'break eventually'? It's doin' well! Uh… yeah sorry. 'm at Corner Street… the park. Yeeeeah that one. 'kay, thanks. See ya soon"

And off he went, still toddling a little, but leaving me alone at least. I didn't wait any longer and stepped out of my hideout, legs groggy from feeling the tension and remaining crouched for so long. Now that Jane was going to be taken care of, I could walk home unworriedly.

**-****CtL-**

Next morning, my alarm didn't go off, and I had to hurry to get to work. Thankfully, when I arrived I was not the only one late. Lisbon wasn't there either, and that was perhaps the most important thing.

"Hi guys" I greeted as soon as I stumbled in the building. Rigsby eyed me suspiciously, certainly wondering if I had been on a date or something. Cho nodded his greeting. Jane was no-where in sight, but I knew he was there –his beloved jacket was spread on the couch. Speaking of the wolf, he came out of the kitchen, as neat as usual. I wondered vaguely how, he seemed so clean and fresh and the previous night he had been completely wasted.

The thought had barely left my mind when Lisbon entered the bullpen in a hurry. I immediately noticed a few differences; first, she was wearing more elegant clothes, second, she had make-up on and arranged her hair, and third, her eyes were smiling. My mother had always told me eyes were the house of the soul, and I believed her. Right now, the sparkle in her eyes was enough to make me understand she was happy. And after a quick glance at Jane, I knew –at the genuine smile on his face- that he was the one who made her feel this way. Something must have happened at her place, but I figured I had enough material from last night to guess what.

Somewhere, I prided myself in thinking I played a small role in this change.

"Okay people" she started as a greeting. "We have a new case in San Francisco. We'll just take one car to go there. I'll brief you on the way."

Everyone stood up –me included for once!- and headed outside. What I did not expected was the sight of Nathan, running towards the building and heading in my direction. Had something happen the night before? He knew I hated when friends showed up at the office; it was not very professional.

"Hey Pickyhead!" he called me with a huge grin. I slightly straightened at the hated nickname but smiled back. "I got your scarf, Maggie forgot to give it back yesterday… you weren't too cold on the way back?"

I shook my head and took the bag he was handing me with a grateful smile. Next to me, Rigsby and Cho were eyeing each other in disbelief, mouthing 'Pickyhead' in amusement and Lisbon staring at me disapprovingly. I did my best to keep the conversation short, so just thanked him for coming. Understanding I was on mission, Nathan stepped away and waved good-bye. When I turned back to the cars, I caught a glimpse of stunned Jane, staring at me in disbelief. I understood his unvoiced question and not wanting to give him satisfaction by confirming his suspicions, I did what I knew best to do in these cases.

I gave him my most innocent looking eyes and climbed in the backseat behind Cho.

* * *

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** And thanks for reading so far!**


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